Edward's Treament Vampward's POV
by jajo
Summary: By popular request, the "treatment" Alice receives in the Good Looking Loony Toons Stalker Guy told from Edward's POV. Someone gets licked, someone gets angry, and there are some lemons involving more than two people at the end--what's not to love?
1. Chapter 1

**Note: This starts midway through Chapter 14 of GLLTSG--right before Alice is told about the "special treatment" she needs to heal. This is chapater 1 of 2.**

_Be cool. Be cool. Be cool._

Concentrate on what your father is telling Sprite and resist the temptation to pull Bella into your arms and carry her out of this apartment and into the nearest deserted dark space. So that you and she can finally…

_No, can't go there. _Not with Jazz in so much pain and Sprite injured. Look at how worried Bella looks. It is so wrong to be thinking such impure thoughts.

But she's standing so close, twirling one of her long locks of hair between her fingers. _Oh, to be that lock._

Now she's lifting her hands up to stretch. Dear heavens. She just showed some skin around her waist when her shirt lifted away from the tops of her jeans. I just saw waist skin. _Ok, vampires do not hyperventilate. _But the shirt is cupping her breasts just so…

_Alright, now my jeans are really uncomfortable and I need to sit down to hide how effected I am._

I went and sat at the end of Alice's bed. I couldn't believe how turned on I was in light of current events and how unaffected Bella was by my presence.

I was supposed to be her mate, damn it! We're supposed to meet, hook up, and then get friggin' joined. It's in the rules. And if Jazz wasn't so messed up right now, he could recite the rules to Bella, verbatim.

I looked across the room and Jasper shot me a brooding look. He must be feeling how aroused I am. I slowly placed my hand at my side so no one but Jazz could see it and pointed at Bella. She was still stretching.

He grimaced and shook his head. Then buried it in his arms.

I peeked into his thoughts. _Dumb vamp is going to fuck up Bella just like I fucked up Alice. Alice. Oh, goddess, I am so sorry. How is she ever going to forgive me? I wait over a thousand years to find the one and when I find the sweetest angel ever I almost kill her. I must be fated to be alone. I'm so sorry…_

I quickly tuned out his thoughts. Jazz's head had pretty much been filled with self hatred since we mounted Sprite's rescue yesterday. We'd kept her in a magically induced coma overnight so that Carlisle could use his gift and heal her internal injuries.

But maybe Jazz was right and I wouldn't be able to control myself around Bella. I might hurt her as badly as Alice had been hurt. Or worse, I could kill her. Fuck! Why did my mate have to be human?

She was just so tempting. Everything about her lured me in. She was my perfect angel: her smell was intoxicating, her slow human movement begged for me to catch her, and her lack of strength called out to my predatory nature to devour her.

Damn! Devour was not the right verb to use when thinking about my _human_ mate.

Alright, I just needed to conquer my need to take Bella, lay her down, and spread her open while I sucked down her delish life blood.

I buried my face in my hands. I needed to get a hold of myself before I ruined the best thing that'd ever happened to me. My mate was my gift. And she was a beautiful, mouthwatering delicacy.

_Shit._

_I am not a monster. _

_I am not a monster. _

_I am a sophisticated, wealthy, highly educated 108 year old vampire with erudite tastes I can control my baser urges when it comes to my mate._

I looked at Bella again, peeking through the fingers of my hand, and saw that she was now reaching down and touching her toes. She must be stiff from having spent the night curled up next to Sprite on the bed, careful not to touch her for fear of making her injuries worse.

I stifled my groan and tried to pry my eyes away from her breasts. I was seventeen years old when I became a vampire—considered a man 108 years ago. But my body was frozen just as my freakin' male hormones peaked and I was completely feeling them right now. It didn't matter that I knew the science and chemistry behind my body's reaction. I was too busy visualizing walking up behind Bella and pressing myself against her. Then she'd press back and move her hips in a slow circle and…

_Not helping._

Of course, that was a fantasy. I had no idea how Bella really felt about me because I couldn't read her mind and she refused to talk to me. She hadn't spoken to Sprite about me either. I'd checked while Sprite was in the coma.

Yeah, I was that pathetic of a stalker.

Sprite did have an idea about Bella and some dream about me but, in her jumbled coma state, all I could make out was that Bella mumbled something about biting hard. With my luck, I was her worst nightmare and she was afraid of me draining her dry.

_Fuck, with the powder keg in my pants right now that could actually happen. Fucking hormones. _

I actually felt pretty guilty about looking into Sprite's thoughts while she was passed out. Of course, Jasper's girl's thoughts were mostly wrapped up in musings about her connection with her other half. It was fairly nauseating--I did not need to see my best friend through _those_ color lenses nor did I care to know how long or how hard certain parts of his anatomy were. Sprite was a _real_ fan of those parts.

"Edward?" called Carlisle, pulling me out of my jealous musings.

I ran my fingers through my hair and refocused on the scene around me. I got up and walked to other end of the bed so that Sprite, who was trapped, unmoving on the bed, could see me. My thoughts about Jasper and Sprite had helped me contain my not-so-little problem. _Would Bella be a fan?_

I scanned Carlisle and Sprite's thoughts to see what they needed. _Ah. Carlisle wants to know if Alice comprehends the special vampire medical treatment he is proposing._

"She's understanding everything you say, Carlisle. Sprite is amazingly intelligent," I told him. I threw in the last part as atonement for my prior jealous thoughts. _I'm a fucking douche. I am happy my best friend found a girl so worthy of him. _But there was a part of me that is jealous that she was so excited and happy to be with him.

Not my human, not Bella. She hasn't smiled happily at me or giggled at anything _I_ have said. But she thinks Emmett is the next Johnny Carson. Whenever I try to approach her, she just glares and then runs away.

_What have I done to make her so angry? _

_Does she despise vampires? _

_Is she still in love with James?_

My self pitying thoughts were interrupted by a rude telepathic blast from Sprite.

_You can just sit and rotate, Assward, Sprite mentally shot me the middle finger. You patronizing twit._

I burst out laughing. "And she's as wonderfully feisty as ever," I added, teasing her.

Even during my exchange with Sprite, at least one part of my attention was always on Bella and I saw her frown and cross her arms at my comment. _Crap. Was she jealous? Was she mad that I was teasing? Or did she really think that I really was a patronizing twit?_ I ran my fingers through my hair nervously. I had a feeling I would be bald before I got any answers.

"Alice, vampires have a healing component in our saliva. It allows us to close up bite marks, without leaving any evidence. My suggestion is that I administer this remedy by basically licking you over your entire body," Carlisle said calmly.

Sprite did not take the news calmly. _Whoa. I'd get licked all over by Carlisle. Damn. Fuck. Damn. OMG. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. _

Jasper shot up and was about to run over to Sprite's side. His thoughts filled with ideas on how to dismember Carlisle. Thankfully, Emmett intercepted him.

"Edward?" Carlisle asked, ignoring the commotion at the side of the room.

"She's really freaking out, Carlisle. She's just been mated, and so the idea of being touched by any other male is truly freaking her out," I told him, my concentration torn three ways: One, monitoring Alice's thoughts. Two, monitoring Jasper's thoughts and actions. Three, keeping Bella safe in case things got ugly. I was pretty sure my dad could take care of himself if Jazz managed to attack.

But, thankfully, Emmett had Jasper in a headlock and the General had pretty much calmed down.

_Fucking blood suckers_ was what he was thinking. And now he was imagining dismembering me, Emmett, and my father. Bloody bastard. 

"Alice, if you don't get this treatment, you will end up with fairly bad scars and you will be bedridden for at least the next 2 weeks as you heal," Carlisle said, completely unaffected by the scuffle. I guess it takes a lot to spook a 600 year old vamp.

Unfortunately, Carlisle's explanation did not work. It didn't calm Sprite's hysteria at all. Alice thoughts became a jumbled mess and she was becoming panic-stricken.

I shook my head at Carlisle.

"Maybe we should sedate her," Carlisle said, unhappily. "It would be much better though if Alice was awake though and could help guide the treatment."

Crap. I knew that Sprite would want the opportunity to make that choice. I couldn't do that to her. I was feeling fairly protective of her and I didn't want to add to the trauma of what she'd already gone through.

"Sprite, I am a vampire too," I said, trying to sound calm as Carlisle had. "What if it was me administering the treatment? And I had Bella here. I could even get Rosalie and the other guys here. It'll just be a bunch of friends hanging out. Jasper will be here too the entire time and, since his powers are bound, it will totally not be sexual."

_Alice's thoughts were practically shrieking out of her head and into mine: Fuck. Ok, think rationally. Think rationally. OMG. OMG. Not helping. Ok. I totally don't want this to happen to me while I am knocked out. Edward with friends or Carlisle while I'm unconscious? I'll take Option A. Less embarrassing if it's Edward and not Carlisle, and it might be doable if Bella was there. But what will Jasper think?_

_Bella was finally looking at me, with a hopeful expression on her face. I raised my eyebrows in question at her. Was she ok with what I was proposing? She nodded slowly, indicating her agreement. _

_My heart sang that she was communicating with me. I tuned back into Sprite's thoughts and found the questions there._

"Jasper, Sprite wants to know what you think about the options," I told him, trying keep my voice soothing. I knew he could feel the concern about Sprite radiating from Carlisle and myself.

"Alice, I don't matter. I am the one who did this to you," Jasper said from somewhere out of my eye range. His voice sounded husky and strained.

_Maybe it would be better if I just disappeared and never hurt my angel again_, he thought.

"Jasper, you're her mate," I told him, responding more to his thoughts than his statement. I had to prevent him from disappearing and turning this into a fucking Shakespearean tragedy. He and Alice truly loved each other and I was positive they could overcome their hormones and figure out how to be together. "She feels like you are rejecting her. Man up, fucker. She needs you now—show her your worth, G_eneral_."

"Then, Alice, I feel we could make you more comfortable if you chose the Edward and friends option," Jazz admitted. He shot a guilty glance at me. _Sorry, man, I just feel so guilty. I just want her to be happy. Is she alright with this choice?_

"She agrees with you," I said, sighing. "Even without you manipulating her feelings, she wants to make you happy." Lucky bastard.

"Splendid," said Carlisle quickly, interrupting a potential fight. "I feel better knowing that Alice will be an active participant in the treatment. This is the ideal solution because Edward can read Alice's thoughts and I would have been at a handicap until her throat was healed. I wish I had thought of it earlier."

Carlisle started fooling around with all the wires next to my bed. "Edward, why don't you get everything set up, and I'll stay here with Alice and Jasper."

At that point Bella stretched again, and I saw waist skin. Damn, I needed to leave the room before I started humping her leg. I had gotten her to acknowledge my existence, I was not going to do anything to jeopardize that small, but treasured gain.

I waived at everyone and headed straight out the door. I needed to get to my house ASAP. Thank the goddess I lived alone. If I was going to lick the General's girl all over her body with Bella in the same room then I needed to take care of business badly. I didn't want him to mistake my arousal for Bella for anything but brotherly feelings for Sprite.

I ran out of the apartment, jumped into my car, and drove over 100 miles an hour on residential streets to get to my house. Thank goodness I can sense the thoughts of cops, so no ticket.

On the way I worried. What would Bella think when she saw me licking Sprite? She seemed to want me to heal her friend but were we all sophisticated enough to handle this truly awkward situation? Could I be unaffected while tasting my first female breast and going even further…

No, that wasn't an issue. I was not going to disappoint Bella and let Alice and Jasper down. I would be a complete professional during the entire treatment.

Then I was going to calmly ask Bella on a date. I was going to treat her respectfully and court her until she was ready to be my mate. I was not going to knocker her unconscious and drag her off to the first meadow so I could finally divest myself of virginity.

But first I had business to take care of...

I tore open my house and slammed the door. I wasn't going to make it to the bathroom so I staggered to the couch and popped open the button of my fly and ripped down the zipper.

I pulled out Buck who was an angry purple color. He was definitely upset at having been hard for so long and kept inside tight confines. Concerned, I look at the boys. Even with my medical training (I was currently attending medical school for the second time), I kept thinking that my testicles could actually turn blue.

I spit into my hand, too revved up to search out proper lotion, and grabbed Buck. Thank the goddess that no one could witness how desperate I was to get some release.

I groaned in relief at the contact. I closed my eyes and remembered Bella bending over. How the fabric of her jeans cupped her ass and I imagined myself walking over and firmly pressing myself against her. I grind myself against her, letting her feel how much she affects me, and she stands up and presses back against me. She murmurs my name over and over again and I gently pull her long brown hair over one shoulder. I lean in and started laying kisses along her long, bare neck and she arches it for me. I bite down and her delicious, warm blood flows into my mouth.

Buck erupted and I felt a moment of utter joy and release. I realized I would have to change my pants since I hadn't been prepared for the aftermath. I could change and be right back to Sprite.

And Bella.

Then I thought about Bella's waist skin and Buck went up again.

Groaning, I went in search of my stash of lotion. I needed to be around Bella without being turned on. And I couldn't even stand to think about a small patch of her skin without getting an erection.

And I had a feeling that my fantasy about sucking her blood wouldn't be that popular either.

Damn, with the way I was feeling it was going to be a while before I was ready to go back and start Sprite's treatment. I headed to the bathroom and wondered how long the water would remain hot.

Thank the goddess that a vampire's tough skin did not chafe.

**END NOTES:**

**I did some research (ok, I googled) and men during the 19th century called their most favorite member Buck. I was going to use Spike, but RoseArcadia pointed out that Spike could be confused with Sprite. I had thought it would be funny to name it after another vamp I have loved (Buffy anyone?). Then I decided on Pike but decided it might date me--Luke Perry's character in the Buffy movie, remember? So I settled on Buck. :)**

**So??? **

**Should I write the next chapter? Writing from Vampward's POV is the toughest for me, followed by Bella's POV. **

**Yep, that's a hint that I've started the sequel and its from Bella's POV. **

**Reviews encourage the writer and give her wonderful ideas.**

**Lastly, for side splitting laughter, check out The Maxi-Pad Misadventures of Edward Cullen and the Crimson Tide by Roxie**


	2. Chapter 2: Why the General is a Douche

**This chapter is dedicated to my chicas who have started to read my stories to support me (not all of them are avid Twilight fans, can you imagine?).**

An hour later, half a box of tissues, and a bottle of Jergen's unscented lotion and I believe I was under enough control to help Sprite while being within spitting distance of my mate. I decided not to use her name, even in my internal monologue, for fear that Buck who was hibernating, might think spring had come early.

I walked tentatively to Emmett and Rosalie's apartment, afraid of what I might find. I'd been on the phone with a pretty irate Rosalie on my drive over and I knew that Carlisle had left Jasper and Sprite alone. Rosalie was truly an unhappy creature at present. She was livid that her older brother, whom she idolized, had treated his Chosen One so badly. She kept shrieking over the phone about he had put all Others at risk by exposing our secrets to humans and how he almost ended up messing up the best thing that had happened to him in over millennium.

Her ranting made me very happy that my telepathy was limited by distance. I _so _did not want to hear her thoughts right now.

I stood outside Rosalie and Emmett's apartment door and was afraid of what I might find inside. Just like Rosalie, my centuries old admiration for the General's strength and honor was taking a serious beating.

I stood, trying to gather the courage to do my thought transference bit, when I heard something that completely shocked me. Jasper was absentmindedly singing to Alice, unaware that he was forming an almost tangible connection to his mate.

Their actions subconscious: the two of them had literally been straining to be together, touching physically, to become one with their other half. Their physical separation, even just across a room, was fatiguing for both. But Jasper's voice bridged that gap, not only soothing both of them and calming Sprite, but restoring some of their energy.

Crap, they needed to be formally joined soon or they'd end up glued together by their need to be together. Once their two halves became a whole would the need lessen.

_Fuck me._ I hated to interrupt moment that was so healing and so beautiful.

_Fuck,_ I hated that I was still jealous of their connection.

_Wait, what the hell is Jasper singing about?_ _Goddess, the dunst doesn't even know he's singing about liking pleasure spiked with pain!_

It seemed pretty damn ironic given the circumstances, but Jasper wasn't really paying attention to the lyrics. Instead, he was studiously ignoring looking at Sprite, afraid to see her looking so fragile. His guilt was nearly overwhelming him.

Sprite also chose to ignore the lyrics and instead was enraptured by Jasper's voice—which honestly was descent but nothing to write home about.

Yeah, I am a jealous douche.

Hating myself for intruding on their magic moment, I knocked on the door and felt the emotional backlash from Jasper. He drenched me in sorrow and pain, literally bringing me to me knees. He only lost control for a second and then I could breathe again, but it was a pretty good reminder of how strong Jasper was and how much pain he was in.

I would have to tread very lightly.

I tuned into Sprite to see what she was thinking and blinked. Hard. She was trying to remain calm by imagining how she was going to seek retribution from my best friend. How she was _sexually _going to make him work to get back in her good graces.

Good goddess almighty. Didn't a man, even an incubus, have to come up for air sometime?

"Hey, let's try to keep the thoughts about Jasper PG-13 here," I said, as I stepped into Alice's line of sight.

_Where was everyone else?_ Sprite projected at me. She was getting good at silently speaking to me.

"I wanted to check on you before I invited everyone in," I replied.

"Who's everyone?" demanded Jasper quietly, wondering if Rosalie would be in to lend her support or if she was still so furious with him that she had to emotionally quarantine herself from him.

"Well, Ang is busy meeting parts of her mate's extended family right now, but she said she'd be here in a jiffy if we needed her. Unfortunately, she'd bring the dog around and he stinks," I replied, trying to cheer him up.

From somewhere across the room, Jasper grunted in agreement. He shot me an image of spoiled cheese and I stifled a laugh. There was hope for the whole situation if Jasper's sense of humor was returning.

"So that leaves Emmett to help make sure Jasper…. Behaves, and Bella," I continued, half of my brain wondering if I was generating this hopeful feeling or if Jasper was simply projecting it. "Rose is still really pissed at Jasper and so we thought it be best if she kept Carlisle company next door."

My hopeful feeling quickly disintegrated into despair as Jasper realized his sister was still upset. Rosalie knew how to nurse a grudge like nobody's business.

_What's next door?_ asked Sprite, immune to the feelings Jasper was projecting. Normally, the General didn't let emotions leak like this but there was definitely nothing normal about what he was going through. Thanks to Angela's spell, Sprite was impervious to it. She didn't deserve to be hurt anymore.

"Well, normally, the apartment of a nice PhD seeking couple, but Rosalie was able to convince them they needed a nice vacation at the beach, courtesy of the Cullen Foundation for deserving poor-as-shit students," Lucky bastards were probably on a beach in Cancun sipping pina coladas. "So, I'm gonna let in Bella and Emmett now, if that's ok?"

_Sure. Let's get this party started, Dr. McVampy_, Sprite thought, bravely resigned to her fate. I flashed her what I hoped was an encouraging smile and then walked out of her limited line of sight to let Bella and Emmett in.

The first person I saw was Bella and I literally froze in place. She gave me a half smile and walked around me. I held my breath as she passed my by, afraid to inhale her sent and have my self control unravel. Emmett actually grabbed my arm and pulled me along to Sprite's bed and then he resumed his guard duty over by Jasper. He was the only one, besides maybe Rose, strong enough to take on the General.

I tuned back into Sprite and realized she was beginning to panic. And I was getting really nervous with my mate standing behind me, so I decided to kill two birds with one stone.

"Bella," Damn, Buck jumped a little. Fuck. No more using her name—I needed a damn nickname. Maybe I could fool Buck. "Please come stand by Alice, love."

_Love? Did I just say that out loud? _By my mate's sharp intake of breath and the gleeful thoughts coming from Carlisle, Alice, and Emmett, I guess I had. _Freud and your friggin' lingerie just ruined my life._

My mate shot me an inscrutable look and then walked over to Sprite. Sitting down, she leaned over her best friend and spoke a soft, "Hey."

She didn't acknowledge me at all. I felt six inches tall.

_Oh, goddess, I just told my mate I loved her and she didn't respond. I was just shot down in front of my two best friends. _

_I can't process this. My chest literally feels like it has been rendered in two. _

_It may be my turn to hyperventilate. _

Emmett thankfully ended my pity party by projecting: _Fang face, get over your girlish embarrassment and get with the damn program. We'll have a nice after school special after you get Alice better and you can get all emo and shit. Fucking douches. You and Jasper are a freakin' embarrassment to all Other males._

Alright, I just needed to heal Sprite, and then I can move to Tibet, find a nice quiet cave, and try to get over her_. Can you get over your Chosen One?_

I focused back on my patient. Sprite's thoughts were filled with gratitude that her best friend was here to support her. She really wanted to hug my mate. That wasn't, thankfully, going to happen anytime soon. The image of you-know-who hugging another woman made Buck twitch again. If real hugging occurred, I'd have to hightail it back to my house and go through the other half of those tissues.

So I needed to interrupt the girls' bonding moment and get this show on the road.

"Alice," I said, using her formal name to get her attention. "I bet you'd like Bella to be able to hold your hand. I am going to start on your hands and arms so that she can do that, ok?" _Oh Shit. _Buck was very happy I'd said the B word again.

Thankfully, tuning into Sprite's thoughts put a quick end to my approaching salute to spring. Her human weirdness was just the thing to make Buck realize we were going to have a _long_ winter.

_Sure. Hopefully I don't taste too bad,_ she thought, not aware how loudly she was projecting._ God, I'd just spent three days fucking without a shower or brushing my teeth. Oh, shit, I probably look and smell like a skunky ho homeless person. And Edward was going to have to taste it._

She started hyperventilating. I was bemused by her entire thought process. Why are girls so weird? I was going to be way too fixated on the blood coursing beneath her skin to even notice her taste. It was really quite laughable. But I was finally able to think about something besides she-who-is-not-to-be named.

"Alice!" exclaimed said my mate, worry lines creasing her forehead. _She has such a pretty voice. Such a lovely voice, really. Sexy. Imagine if she said my name. Loudly. While I was biting her. _

_Oh shit. Not now, Buck. _I heard scuffling and tuned into the General's thoughts. 

Jasper, feeling Sprite's concern, had foremost in his mind gruesome images of him beating me to a bloody pulp. _Jeez, I had to get this guy into an anger management class. _

Jasper had _always_ been a cool and collected cat, even in the middle of a battle, so it was really disconcerting that the whole mating thing could make him act so out of character.

"Hold on, Jazz," Emmett said with his arms securely around Jasper's chest. "He hasn't even touched her yet. Calm down, man."

Seeing myself decapitated by my best friend helped cool my ardor and I was able to once again focus on the thoughts at hand. I hope Jasper could differentiate my feelings towards Sprite and she who will not be named. If not, I was a dead vampire walking.

Hmmm… that just doesn't work as a metaphor, now does it?

"Sprite is just concerned that she stinks because she hasn't been able to attend to her personal hygiene in the last three days," I said, still puzzled at why Sprite was so concerned by her taste. Maybe someone could help me out here.

My announcement stopped Sprite's hysteria and allowed her to focus enough to project: _Fuckward, thanks for sharing my deepest shame. _I covered Buck and my boys at the image Sprite sent of my mate stabbing me in the crotch. Jeez, she and Jasper really did belong together

"Alice," said my mate with a small smile. There was the voice again. "You don't stink. I gave you a sponge bath while you were passed out. And I think Ang might have already magically done something to clean you up because you didn't have a piece of dirt on you."

Picture Jasper decapitating you. Picture Jasper decapitating you.

"Jasper and Edward, I love you guys," said Emmett. "But damn, I just got my jacking off material for the next year! You lucky bastards."

"Pillow," my mate said evenly to Emmett. He did not respond, although I heard a small choking noise.

I was about to lay into Emmett for disrespecting mine and Jasper's mate, while struggling with a rush of jealousy and possessiveness that any other male might enjoy my mate's beauty, when Sprite projected: _Wait, what the hell am I wearing?_ _Am I naked? _

Sprite was again panicky over an inconsequential manner. It may be silly, but her feelings were real. In reaction to his mate's stress, I saw Jasper try to head butt Emmett followed by a swift, hard kick to his insoles. The General was sneaky.

_Damn that hurt_, Emmett thought. _Yo, bloodsucker, do something 'cause Rosalie is gonna be plenty pissed if one little hair on my body is harmed._

"Sprite, you have to calm down," I told her. "Your panicking is causing Jasper to practically have a meltdown" I pleaded, trying to reason with her. I knew I was playing dirty poker by invoking her need to take care of Jasper, even at the sake of her pride.

She took a deep breath and concentrated on the flow of oxygen entering her mouth. I could actually hear her heartbeat slow as she regained control of her faculties.

Since she'd reacted positively to my logical argument, I decided to continue to woo her with logic. "In answer to your question, Sprite, you are covered by a light sheet. You are naked as a jaybird underneath. Emmett and I are mated and..."

"Hey! I am NOT mated to a tall, handsome, bronze haired med student vampire with dreamy green eyes that won't quit. I am mated to a loud mouth succubus who holds my short hairs and my heart in her very sharp fingernails," protested Emmett. "But maybe if you buy me dinner I'll reconsider as long as I'm the guy in the relationship."

_I am going to be wearing a Matithe belt soon if he doesn't knock this off. _Igritted my teeth, trying to hold back a dozen or so cutting remarks. They wouldn't be that useful.

My ire at Emmett waned a little when I realized that Sprite was actually amused by his antics.

"Emmett and I are mated to _women_," I continued, pinching the bridge of my nose dramatically because it too amused Sprite, "and despite Rose's mate's crude remarks, your nudity is doing nothing for him. Ang has blocked Jasper's power so that he cannot influence your emotions but he can still feel everything you're feeling. And some of that emotion is bleeding out and make putting the rest of us on edge. Please just try to keep calm. Maybe think about something else… you know, a distraction."

I gently took Sprite hand and chose her second digit, at the distal phalanx, and started licking. I worked my way around each digit and up to her wrist. I was happy to note that her articulated reflexes were working correctly. I finished on her left hand and then went to work on her right, concentrating on providing smooth, even licks. I studiously ignored the pulsing blood in her veins, just underneath her skin. I had previously performed this treatment on other Others so it wasn't a terribly hard temptation to resist.

Of course, if I had been licking she-who-will not be named, it would be entirely different story. _Fuck, Buck. Down._

I concentrated on making sure I covered each welt and cut on Sprite's small, fragile hands until I was positive I had covered each injury thoroughly.

"I'm done," I announced, shocking Sprite whose thoughts had been focused on some fashion emergency thing involving Rosalie. Women were a strange species.

Sprite took a moment to wiggle her fingers, patting them against the bed in applause, and sending me a big mental _thank you._

"You did great," I told her. "See, nothing to it, Sprite. Now I am going to do your face."

I administered my treatment over her face. My detached professionalism in place despite the proximity to the dried blood in her heads wound and the cuts on her lips. The only that threatened my detachment was the occasional insane thought Sprite projected towards me.

I worked on Sprite's lips, pleased with how much she was enjoying feeling whole again. She moaned softly in appreciation. She believed I was giving her a luxurious massage, as if she were at an expensive spa getting a treatment.

I was afraid if I busted out laughing with this much saliva in my mouth, I'd end up choking or worse.

From the corner of my eye, I saw the beautiful woman who shall not be named mouth the words "thank you" to me. I searched her eyes for some hidden jealousy in their depths and saw none. I know that if the situation was reversed I would not be as generous. I was truly blessed that this creature was my other half.

With feelings of utter tenderness coursing through me, I my head away from Sprite's mouth and whispered, "Open your mouth, Sprite."

She did and I gently entered her mouth with my tongue, instantly noticing the change of texture from her external epidermis to the wet silkiness of her mouth cavity. I traced just inside her mouth and could feel her joy as the healing started to ease the tension she was especially feeling in her jaw. Sprite looked like she'd gone a couple of rounds with Mike Tyson, biting and all. I moved onto the alveolar arches, tracing around teeth and then delving deeper.

_Mint-y freshness. _Sprite thought inappropriately at me. I almost choked on my laughter. Sprite opened her eyes to see if I'd been offended by her comment, but I was too busy trying not to chortle to respond. My silence was enough for her to settle down again.

_Just brush your teeth, Vampward?_

Since my tongue was otherwise occupied, I winked at Sprite. And I agreed with her assessment that although there was nothing sexual about our touching, it was intimate. I felt closer to her, more protective.

I began to force my saliva into her mouth, hoping she'd swallow it quickly before it lost its curative value. I basically pushed a wave of it in and she reflexively swallowed. Her thoughts became joyful and she began to softly hum, testing out her healed vocal cords.

She then moaned again, a sound that _clearly_ demonstrated her pleasure in my ministrations.

Jasper's tolerance for my touching his mate had ended and he began fighting like crazy against Emmett's hold. Emmett slammed Jasper into the wall, stunning for a bit.

"Easy, Jazz," Emmett said, "Remember that Eddie is just helping your mate."

Suddenly I was swamped with self hatred and pain, as Jasper reacted to the world. He made a ghastly sound.

I forced myself to continue; grateful I could lick Sprite's jaw line so I wouldn't have to look her in the eye. The overpowering emotions were hard to mask.

And dammit Sprite had heard the noise, and was blaming herself for Jasper's misery. Un-fucking-believable.

I saw my mate wrap her arms around herself and hang her head, obviously reacting from Jasper's emotional sabotage, and I was furious.

"Jasper," I said between licks, punctuating each one with a smack of my lips because I wanted to hurt him a bit for causing my mate pain. "All Sprite here can think about is you. She actually feels guilty for what happened, as if she could have prevented being hurt. Snap out it, you douche, your woman needs you!"

Suddenly Sprite started giggling, I hadn't realized how ticklish she was around the neck area. A serious miscalculation, because fucking Jasper managed to rip himself away from Emmett's grasp. Suddenly free, unexpectedly, he crashed straight through the wall.

Emmett morphed into his demon counterpart and wrapped his tentacles tightly around the General.

"Jasper, I am not going to let go again until you promise not to damage my house anymore. Rose and I liked that wall," Emmett thundered.

We weren't going to last much longer so I quickly went to work on Sprite's head. I could tell that my saliva's curative effects were having an almost immediate effect. Sprite even let me know she was feeling _human_ again. _Pun intended_, she projected cheekily.

I was done with Sprite's face but I needed her head moved so I could get to a fairly large gash on the back of her head. It had been bleeding sporadically so I wanted to treat it quickly before Sprite began feeling well enough to start moving.

There was only one person who could assist me.

_Brace yourself because you will have to address her._

"Bella," I said. "I need you to lift Alice's head so that I can get the back of her head and neck. I'll do the rest of her back in a bit but I want to get to that head wound now."

Sprite started projecting images of Jasper pounding her into a door while they were having sex, hard.

Jasper felt my shock and disgust, and completely broke down, sobbing hard. _Where was the hard ass General?_

"Jasper," Sprite said, her voice low and scratchy. Jasper paused in his sobs and we all felt a glimmer of hope as he stared in wonder at his mate. "Baby, it's ok."

Sprite's ability to forgive him and the love she was projecting at him utterly tore Jasper into two. He went back to his wallowing, this time softer so Sprite couldn't her him. But she suspected.

Thank the goddess that the General now had enough control to keep most of what he was feeling to himself. I was feeling emotionally drained.

I finished up Sprite's head and neck and my mate laid her gently back down on the bed. Sprite was wrapped in an epiphany of how much she really loved Jasper. If I couldn't hear her thoughts for myself, I wouldn't have believed it. He didn't deserve her.

I concentrated on Sprite's shoulders and moved down her sides to her abdomen, gently pulling down her sheet. It wasn't until I heard the start from Sprite that I realized I'd exposed her naked body to the room.

Bella was the only one who made a sound. Sprite, lovely wonderful Sprite, looked like she'd been tortured. I kept my expressions stonily still and glanced over at Emmett. He had the same stony expression. I couldn't see Jasper's expression because he'd curled up into a ball.

I continued my work, studiously avoiding Sprite's sexual organs, both breasts and vagina because I didn't want to deal with that drama when I felt so on edge.

Ignoring our horror a ther appearance, Sprite continued with her inappropriate thoughts about Jasper. She projected jokes about her battered appearance. I saw that behind those jokes, she was embarrassed to be in her present situation. She just wanted this all to be over.

She was too busy worrying about everyone else to worry properly about herself.

"Bella," she said. "How you holding up there?" I paused in my licking to hear my mate's response.

And Bella burst into tears. I just couldn't stand for her to be so sad. I shot Sprite and apologetic glance and took my love into my arms. _Yes, love was the perfect nickname. _

"Shhhhhh, sweetheart," I whispered to Bella. She actually turned into me and leaned against me, looking so very fragile. "Alice is going to be as good as new." I reassured her, but still she sobbed. I rocked her gently, as if she were a babe in my arms, and hummed a little diddy I remembered my human mother singing to me when I was a child. Her tears ebbed and I heard few sniffles. She buried her head into my chest and took a deep breath, I suppose to compose herself.

And then I heard a thought that made my entire being jump for joy. I'd somehow won Sprite over to my cause. She was going to help me woo my Bella.

Smiling, I impulsively spun Bella around a couple of times until she giggled softly and then, following instincts I could not resist, I gently brushed a kiss against her upturn lips. Surprisingly, all I felt for her was extreme love and tenderness. With only a smidgen of sexual desire.

_Ha! Even at a moment like this I have to fight my fucking hormones._

"Thank you," my love said, her eyes entirely focused on me. I could hear her pulse pounding loudly and it gave me hope that maybe I affected her just a bit.

"Anything," I vowed to her, and then in the manner that I'd practiced many times as kid, pretending to be a chivalrous knight, I covered my heart with my hand.

Life was good. I went back to Sprite's side and took a lick of her shoulder before. Unable to suppress my joy, I turned and winked at Sprite.

Reminded of love and its wonder, she turned to find her own mate and her joyous mood plummeted when she saw the General huddled on the floor. That is until she saw the hole he'd made in the wall earlier, and then she laughed.

We all felt Jasper's wonder and his love for his mate who could find joy at a time like this. Sprite bathed him in her radiance, even as I toiled away at fixing her. I felt like an unwanted spinster aunt forced to chaperone a newly betrothed couple.

I felt more than saw Jasper walk over to Sprite but I was glad he was finally manning up to his responsibility and lending support to his mate. The tension in both their bodies dwindled exponentially as he got closer to her.

"Hi," Sprite said softly.

"Alice," the General whispered and then he dropped to his knees in front of her. "I am so, so sorry. I never ever intended to hurt you. I vow to never ever hurt you again."

"Jasper," she responded. "As much as I appreciate the sentiment behind your words, that is impossible. Of course you're going to hurt me in the future."

Self loathing and guilt suddenly struck everyone in the room but Sprite.

"No, I didn't mean physically. I would truly appreciate it if you avoided hurting me physically from now on, thank you very much."

"Never," vowed Jasper. He was thankfully either feeling better or, alternatively, keeping his damn feelings to himself. "I will never touch you in any way to cause you harm."

"Well," Alice cooed, "there may be some times when I want you to hurt me a little." I felt and heard Jasper's shock and, well, let's just say his _interest_ in what his mate had said. _Four score and seven years ago, our four fathers,_

Now Jasper was quoting old Abe Lincoln to control his male urges. Fuck, if suddenly I didn't want to readjust.

"Alice!" exclaimed my love. "You realize the rest of are still here, right? You must be feeling better if you can flirt with Jasper that way." She bounced around excitedly and I tried really hard to ignore how certain parts of her moved. She would definitely overfill my hands if I ever got a chance to touch her breasts.

_Oh, please, please let me get a chance to touch her breasts._

"Jasper, I have figured out that both you and I were caught up in something we couldn't control," Sprite told him. "You've stalked me for six months but during that time you were nothing but courteous. I know in my heart that you didn't mean to hurt me."

"I didn't know that I was doing this," confessed Jasper. I braced myself for the guilt but Jasper kept a tight lid on it this time. "I will never forgive myself."

"Jasper, enough," Alice ordered. "I demand you stop this self castigating party you've got going on."

Emmett thought it was hilarious that such a fragile little thing was giving the General commands. I was too amazed at their loving thoughts to say anything.

My friend, the General, the hard ass who'd led major battles, who'd been a tough disciplinarian, who'd kept his emotions tightly controlled, had been utterly changed by his mate. He was somehow softer now and there was a hope and joy shadowing his thoughts that I had never witnessed before.

"Queen Alice commands, eh?" Jasper flirted.

I was concentrating hard on finishing up Sprite's legs and feet because I was getting a lot of _positive_, spring-like feelings from Jasper and some pretty graphic images from Sprite.

Gah. _ Blocking out their thoughts now. _

In response to Sprite's emotional spike at her fantasies, Jasper said "No, we're not going to do that anytime soon."

"Spoil sport," she replied and pouted.

Jasper was having some trouble keeping his emotions in his pants.

_Almost done with the toes. Don't_ _about where they've been… Buck, I swear it is winter time. Cold. Snow._

"Alice, you are going to be the absolute death of me!" Jasper declared with a sigh. He was definitely feeling my… agitation and trying to reign in his emotional overflow. He stood, and backed away a bit.

So now that everyone was in a fairly good mood and the General seems back in control I think it may be a good time to finish up Sprite's front.

I looked at Jasper, trying to predict what his reaction would be. It would be really handy to have a fortune teller handy for occasions like this.

"Alice, I need to work on your breasts now."

**I am honored and amazed that The Good Looking Looney Toons Stalker guy was nominated for a couple of The Indie Twific Awards for Best Crackfic WIP, Best AU WIP, Best Non ExB Storyline, Best Use of Comedy, Most Original Story Line.**

**I would love it if you all went and voted for GLLTSG at **


	3. Chapter 3: How Edward Almost Exploded

Top of Form

"I need to work on your breasts now," I announced to the room.

Suddenly I and everyone in the room, but Sprite, felt extremely hostile and possessive.

Everyone's attention in the room turned towards the General, who was woodenly still—the likeness to a 1000 Roman marble statute his parents had commissioned of him when he was a teenager was uncanny. But to be safe, Emmett positioned himself behind Jasper. _Just in case _he decided to give into his desire to blind and mutilate me. A very popular punishment in Rome when he was a child.

Sprite, in contrast, tensed up at my announcement and suddenly was a bundle of nerves. She looked down at her bare breasts and saw they were covered with bruises and teeth marks. Her nervousness turned to embarrassment and shame at her appearance. _Yikes. If I look like this all over, no wonder everyone is acting so weird_, she thought.

When Jasper felt Sprite's shame, the anger leaking out of him evaporated. Emmett backed away and the General turned around without a word and went to stand near his hole-in-the-wall, his back to us. His thoughts were filled with disgust and self hatred.

Sprite looked up at my mate for moral support. My love came up and carefully held one of Sprite's small, fragile hands in her own, gently rubbing the back.

I held my breath, feeling foolish for doing so, and tentatively licked the base of Sprite's breast. Her breath caught, but she said nothing. Even her thoughts had basically frozen

I kicked myself for my unprofessional behavior, focused, and went to work making quick, even strokes. I was a healer working on a patient. I pushed to the back of my head the thought that this was the first time I had a breast in my mouth.

Thank the goddess I was the only mind reader in the group and my undead status prevented me from blushing.

Sprite was enjoying what she thought as a massage. My mate did not make a noise at all but I peeked up at her through my eye lashes and saw she was watching my every move with eagle eyes.

Yikes! I needed to finish this up pronto.

"I'm not feeling turned on at all," Sprite suddenly announced to the room. _Jeez, she really has no filter between brain and mouth. I did not see that one coming. _

Emmett busted out laughing and I arched a brow an eyebrow at her. _Silly pixie._

My mate smoothed back Sprite hair and said, "Of course you're not feeling anything sexual. You're hurt."

"Nah, that isn't why," Sprite confessed. "I still want Jasper, even now. Thankfully, the urge is controllable. But I don't feel anything… especially _fun_… from Edward's licking."

_Well, doesn't that make me feel special. _

"Thank the fates," said Jasper from his self imposed exile.

"Are you crazy?" the love of my life yelled practically yelled, then clapped her hands over her mouth. Her face turned an interesting tomato red.

_What did that mean? What does that mean? Is she picturing herself in Sprite's place? Do not think about Bella's bare breasts! Man, that is a lovely alliteration, isn't it? _

_Thank the goddess no one can read my thoughts. _

And then I was done with her breasts. I quickly down worked on belly button and worked on a couple of areas on Sprite's lower stomach that I had missed earlier.

"I'm done with her front," I announced, hopefully not too happily. This was turning out to be a bigger chore than I ever could have imagined. Emmett went to the door and bellowed into the next room for my father.

He came in and took his time to explore all of Alice's front, looking for miniscule cuts that I might have missed.

"It looks great," Carlisle said with a relieved grin, patting me on the back. We both carefully examined Sprite's breasts.

_Days of Our Fucking Freakiness_, Sprite projected at me, disgruntled to have my father and I looking at her breasts so carefully, her mammary glands had been badly bruised.

Jasper was back at his hole in the wall during Carlisle's examination. Alice turned to look at him and, though I tried to block out her thoughts, she practically shouted about how Jasper was so cute.

Ach.

"I can't get over how all the bruises and cuts have all just disappeared," my mate marveled. She leaned closer to Sprite and I surreptitiously took a sniff of her heavenly scent. "You should bottle that stuff." Man, I would love to be able to bottle her scent. _Down, Buck,_ _my dad is standing 11 inches away!_

"We wish we could," replied Carlisle as he examined Sprite's blemish free arms.

"Unfortunately, the saliva looses its curative powers shortly after it leaves a vampire's mouth."

"That's probably a good thing," boomed Emmett. "I would hate to see you hooked up to some sort of milking machine or something. Although we could make a mint selling it by the bottle to the humans."

"Well, our healing saliva is definitely a reason why so many vampires are in the medical field," laughed Carlisle as he bent to examine Sprite's toes.

_Crap! I missed Eddie boy sucking my toes! That would have been an image to treasure_, Sprite projected at me.

I smirked. Man, if my father and Jasper weren't here I'd be tempted to tease her about her obvious foot fetish. _I wonder if Bella shared the same fetish… _

_Baseball. Carlisle. Jasper decapitating me and bathing in my blood._

"I think a lot of vamps chose a career in medicine so they could take quick sips from their victims without raising a public outcry," I told them, trying to distract Buck. "I can't believe people think that doctors would actually use leeches." _Oh, man, dem where the days…_

I looked up and saw my mate's horrified expression. _Crap! _"We don't do that anymore, of course," I hurriedly assured her. "We now drink bottled synthetic blood." Because that is _so _less creepy. I am so screwed.

My love now looked a little green around the gills.

"Well, Edward," said Carlisle. "I think that we can turn Alice over and you can work on her back."

_Right, Edward, stop mooning over Bella and get back to work,_" Carlisle projected to me.

"Ok, I'm going to turn you over now," I said and I gingerly lifted Sprite up and placed her on her stomach.

_Carnage_ is all I could think as I looked at her poor, scraped up back.

Bella gasped, I assume, at the sight. It was so frustrating not to be able to read her thoughts.

Sprite blocked out our responses and she placed her hands underneath her chin and simply waited for her "cold massage" to begin.

"See you in a bit, Carlisle. Thanks for checking on me," she told my father, smiling broadly at him.

Thankfully, Carlisle didn't know that Alice was thinking: D_on't let the door hit your handsome ass when you leave the room_. She was embarrassed about her state of undress and her soul was suffering at the lack of contact with Jasper.

_Damn, they need to be joined like yesterday._

"One last thing, Alice," Carlisle gently protested.

She sighed, loudly.

"You've healed so well, I believe Edward can finish working on the rest of your body." Carlisle's thoughts were horrifying.

Gah.

_I'd never done that with a girl before. I'd only started thinking I wanted to do that with a girl recently. And that girl was always Bella. _

_Down Buck._

"Great!" Sprite responded, missing the point entirely, thinking a back massage sounded lovely.

"Um, Sprite," I told her, trying to hide the fact that Buck had arisen. I bent myself over a little and wrapped my arms around my middle. "I am not going to just be working on your back."

_Say what?_ Sprite mentally shouted.

Jasper freaked at Sprite's emotional distress (and he wasn't all that happy at the whiff of arousal he'd felt from me) and so he tried to attack me. He crashed, thunderously loud, into Emmett.

_Ok, we were finally getting close to normal and everything had to go Twilight Zone again on me. What the fuck? _Sprite fumed. She was glaring at Jasper, furious at him.

Then, after staring at him for a while, her interest in Jasper changed from anger to… to thoughts I never, ever want to hear again. She wanted Jasper.

Badly.

The General stopped struggling in Emmett's arms as Sprite's feelings of arousal hit him. In response, his own arousal arose quickly and then his feelings spilled over to the rest of us.

Buck was up and hunting. I sneaked a look at my love and she was definitely feeling it too. Her face was flush, her nipples erect, her heart pounded, and she was taking small, shallow breaths.

_Let's get outta here, baby. I've got some etchings I'd like to show you. _I'd just about decided to grab Bella and go find a nice, dark place, when Emmett thankfully snapped me out my insanity.

"Fuck! Jasper, quit it, man," groaned Emmett who still had his arms around the struggling General. The Matithe Demon had his eyes closed and he looked like he was in utter agony. "Dude, do you know how disturbing it is to be turned on while holding another man? You've got to control the emotions you're putting out there or I'm gonna have to buy you dinner."

Sprite started giggling and Jasper's expression changed to a goofy grin. The sexual tension in the room dissipated, sort of. It still lingered in the air.

"Sorry, Em," Jasper said. "Being this close to Alice is torture. She has a _really_ healthy sexual appetite." Fucking General wasn't actually sorry—he was fucking proud to be able to make get his mate worked up.

Carlisle cleared his throat. He was wishing he'd brought Esme along on this trip and planned to leave immediately to return to his hotel room to phone her. You do _not_ want to know what they planned to do next.

"Alice, Edward will have to administer to _all_ your injuries," he said a bit distractedly.

Could Carlisle be more vague? Of course, I didn't want to be the person to tell Sprite what Carlisle was bumbling.

And, of course, Sprite _really_ didn't get what Carlisle was hinting at—she thought he might be having a stroke or something. I groaned loudly and buried my head in my hands.

"Alice, when you had intercourse with Jasper, you were injured somewhat internally as well," Carlisle said uncomfortably, tugging at his collar.

_Oh, fuck no, that doesn't mean that Vampward is going down there and…_ Alice projected.

"Edward going eat you out, Alice!" crowed Emmett before he busted out laughing.

_Smack._ Jasper had taken over his sister's job and smacked his brother-in-law on the back of his head. Emmett stopped laughing out loud, but I could still see his shoulders shaking.

Sprite considered, briefly, whether or not to have a heart attack but then decided it would impede the process and she wanted the ordeal over. _It would be just like when he licked my breasts, pleasant but not sexual in the least_, she projected.

"Exactly, Sprite," I said, relief coursing through me that she finally got it.

Distractedly, Carlisle gave me additional instructions, not realizing he was repeating himself. I ushered him out the door.

Now down to business.

I went to work licking Sprite's back, trying to ignore my mate who perched on the other side of my bed while Jasper and Emmett hovered on the far side of the room by the hole in the wall.

"So what do you want to do when we get out of here?" Alice asked Jasper innocently.

_I want to part your legs and taste heaven,_ projected Jasper, practically shouting the thought. The images that followed made me look at sex in whole different light. I should actually be taking notes.

Once again, Jasper's arousal hit us, stronger than before, and Emmett and Bella froze while I paused mid lick, trying to keep from humping the bed in a desperate need to get release.

I sent a dark look at Jasper, unable to overcome the lust enough to even speak. He regained some control and the desire lessened somewhat, but now it was a more domineering presence in the room, hanging over our heads like the freakin' white elephant.

"Sorry, guys," Jasper said sheepishly, shaking his head. "I couldn't control my reaction to a question like that. I'm a guy and there's really only one answer."

"Wow," my soft and sexy siren said, softly. "Even I felt that, Jasper. It was like I was super turned on for a second and then it passed." I studiously tried to ignore that my mate's breasts were _still _thrust out and her nipples were _still _rock hard. Sprite also noticed and thought about how they might have been hard enough to cut glass. Then she informed me I was drooling.

I wiped my mouth and, sure enough, my hand was wet.

"Maybe I should leave so you all can finish this…" Jasper said, finally realizing how much his lack of control was affecting the other beings in the room..

"No!" Sprite protested. Every part of her being was objecting to any sort of separation from her mate. "Jasper, I need you here."

"How about we go to dinner?" she asked Jasper. It was a really obvious means to distract and delay but Jasper, actually quite happily, relented and decided to stay.

"That sounds good, my love," Jasper replied.

I laughed softly into Sprite's shoulder blade when I heard her heart stutter.

_Jasper just said he loved me, _she sang internally. I then was truly sorry at our close proximity when she squealed right into my ear.

Jasper smiled back at Sprite, ignoring the emotions of pain I was emitting.

"I love it when you're happy, darlin'. You give off the brightest, warmest feelings and you have this wonderful aura filled with sparkles. I have never seen anything like it."

"Jasper, I want to get to know you. I have a feeling that you're going to make me very happy," Alice replied,

Jasper sat down on the bed with Sprite and the two talked: something I'd been advocating Jasper attempt for the last six months. I noticed my own mate seemed uncomfortable and she moved over to where Emmett was standing, making a pretense of checking out the hole in the wall Jasper had made.

She bent over and I saw her jean skirt tighten enticingly over her heart shaped ass.

"Alright," I said abruptly, trying to stop my thoughts from going down the same Buck rising path. "Time to turn Sprite back over."

"Permit me," said Jasper. If I was a girl, I would have said it was sweet how he gently turned Sprite onto her side and then onto her back. He leaned down and gave her a gentle kiss on her lips.

But I'm not a girl: Instead, I am fucking horndog as is asswipe Jasper who went on fucking hormone overload and spewed the emotion over us all. I had no blood in my head because it had all been pulled down to my _other _head. Buck ahoy.

"Shit," Jasper said darkly. I agreed with him.

"Did everyone else feel that?" asked Bella, shakily. _Now she could probably stab someone if she wasn't careful, _thought the very astute Sprite.

"Jasper!" Emmett and I exclaimed together.

_Baseball, Boobs… I mean Carlisle, phone sex… damn… professionalism, hooker, sex, blow jobs, tongue, kiss…. _

"Sorry, guys," Jasper said as I was trying to reign in my runaway thoughts. "I'll work hard to control this but the better Alice is feeling, the _better _she's feeling."

"Alice Elizabeth Brandon!" shouted my mate at her best friend. "We did not just go through all this just to have you get messed up all over again." Hearing her raise her voice sent an unneeded surge of hormones through my body, redundant since I was already completely, 100% turned on.

"Bella, chill," Sprite said with a sigh. "I am not going to get messed up again. This time I won't be fooled by Jasper's emotions."

My mate huffed disbelievingly. Her lips pursed and she blew out air.

Fuck me.

"Look, let's just try to get this done quickly," I interjected, trying to stop any fight between the two. I don't think I could survive a cat fight right now—maybe they'd wrestle—or Bella flushed and angry and assertive. "Then we'll let Carlisle talk to them."

Jasper started to walk back to his place at the wall but Sprite snagged his hand. "Stay," she begged.

He stayed, making a previously manageable situation awkward as all hell. He still wanted to blind and maim me.

I forced myself to move and draped a sheet over Sprite's exposed body and then, standing at the end of the bed, pushed her feet back until they basically touched her posterior. Typical gynecological exam positioning.

Except I'd never practiced gynecology before.

I tried to pretend I would be working on a different part of Sprite's body, such as her elbow, as I moved the end of the sheet up until it reached her knees and then parted her legs. She instinctively closed them shut.

There was no way I was going to ask Emmett or Jasper to help me here. Emmett would make crude comments the entire time, a disrespect no woman deserved, and I honestly was afraid to be that close to the General.

So that left… Gah.

"Bella, can you help me hold Sprite's legs open?" I asked. _Wait--that did not sound right. It sounds like a line from a bad porno_. Sprite thought so too and her thoughts made me laugh. "I never, ever want to have to say that sentence ever again," I admitted.

We all giggled nervously.

My mate went to the end of the bed and stood right by me. She leaned over to grasp Sprite's knees and her hand brushed my arm. I felt tingles shoot straight up that extremity and the tingle land race to an entirely different extremity. With a little tugging, my got Sprite to reluctantly spread her knees.

I was going to spontaneously combust being so close to my mate.

I tried to pull myself together and leaned into get my first close up look of a woman's vagina, outside text books and corpses. It was endlessly fascinating, with its bumps and curves, its hidden secrets.

I saw it was also glistening wet, although I knew from Sprite's thoughts that it was due to Jasper's proximity and not in anticipation of my oral ministrations.

I decided to start off small and I licked the inside of Sprite's thigh, working in straight lines. Sprite's arousal spelled spicy and, truthfully, a bit delicious. I couldn't help but wonder what Bella would look and taste like.

Buck was break off hard and ready to hunt beaver, so I might as well use Bella's given name. Oh, goddess, thank the stars no one can read my mind.

Alice sighed at how good it to have my tongue sooth the wounds on her thigh.

"Alice," Jasper whispered.

"Jasper," She replied softly. _Mine_, she projected.

I started to work on Sprite's mound, making circular movements, as I teased her tight curls. I assured myself it was necessary to reach any wounds hidden under the curls.

"Oh, baby," said Jasper, his voice a little husky. Suddenly another emotional blast hit, making me really, really horny as I was bombarded with Jasper's pornographic images interspersed with his hopefully thoughts about the future.

I continued my licking, but it was no longer just medical ministrations. I was enjoying the texture and taste and the reaction I was getting from Sprite. I reached down to adjust myself and I think Bella must have seen me because I heard her sharp intake of breath.

I froze, my ardor dampening, until I felt Bella pressing herself against me side. Her hips moving back and forth seductively and her breasts pressed against my arm.

I placed my tongue on Sprite's core as I tentatively placed my hand on Bella's bare leg. I swear my still heart stuttered at the contact. Bella moaned softly and pressed closer.

I was feeling more and more lost in the flames of my desire and I lost all control. I swept my hand higher between Bella's beautiful legs, under her denim skirt, and then suddenly I'd reached the promise land, her underwear.

The taste of Sprite's juices in my mouth and knowing how close I was to touching Bella intimately was my undoing. I started licking blindly as I pushed aside Bella's underwear and found her folds. As I licked Alice, I mimicked the actions on Bella's center.

The challenge of stroking both with my tongue and fingers was so enjoyable that it completely passed me by for a second that Sprite had stiffened and orgasmed underneath my tongue.

I was awed. This was the first time that I'd ever brought a woman to orgasm and I was contemplating life's miraculous mysteries, when Bella, too, stiffened. I saw from the corner of my eye her head was thrown back and her hands were squeezing her breasts_._

I wanted desperately to feel inside a Bella as she orgasmed so I thrust a finger into her and I mimicked the action by thrusting my tongue into Sprite, who arched as if electricity had shot through her body.

Goddess, a guy could get addicted to smooth warmness I encountered. Buck was literally weeping with his need to penetrate.

I luxuriated in pushing in and out. I watched Bella start on the precipice of another orgasm and I wanted to try something I'd only read in medical books, I pinched Bella's clit with my fingers and my teeth followed suit and gently nipped Sprite's clit. Both girls came apart almost simultaneously.

For a split second I felt like the ultimate student, the there was suddenly a feeling of heat and extreme arousal and Buck exploded in my pants only to rise again instantaneously.

I heard a door slam as Emmett ran down the hall in search of Rosalie.

The white heat had been Jasper's power unleashed and it was affecting everyone for miles around.

I was overwhelmed by the images all these beings were projecting. I had to get out of the room to regroup, to collect myself, to not frighten the shit out of my mate. I had to take a lesson from Jasper, and I knew if I touched Bella now I would hurt her as he had hurt Sprite.

I couldn't think properly beyond the need to get away.

I pulled out of both vaginas—one day, when I was sane again, I was going to marvel over making two beautiful women come at the same time. The need to taste Bella was overpowering and I stuck the hand I'd used to bring her pleasure into my mouth.

_Holy shit._ The sweetest thing—sweeter even than blood fresh straight from the source—exploded in my mouth.

I had to get to a dark place and relieve Buck or I was going to literally detonate. I ran out of the room and kept running through the apartment complex until I found a vacant apartment, broke down the door, and shredded my jeans to pieces.

There, I had multiple meetings of the mind with Buck.

Finally, three hours later, spent beyond belief, I realized what a smuck I had been. I'd abandoned my mate without so much as a good-bye after giving her an orgasm so I could masturbate all by myself.

Fuck. Me.

**I hoped you all liked! If so, leave some love. :) Let me know who will be dreaming of Hornward's icy licks?**

**Hmmmm... How many licks **_**does**_** it take to get to the center?**

**Put me in coach, I am willing to find out. :)**


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